Today I sit in my room, listening to the soft melodies of Taylor Swift and thinking about my day. It's been an odd one. Wednesdays are normally my favorite days of the week, but not being able to sing makes that a little difficult. Though it was highly entertaining in aural skills when i had to croak out that I couldn't sing. Even my professor had to stifle a laugh.
But that's not what's on my mind. My mind is on my strange contentedness. I spent an unexpected hour at a cultural event on campus about women in America's prisons. It was really dark and sad, but I really enjoyed it. With all of the time I spend in music, it's really refreshing to spend some time with a different mindset. The film was hosted by the Sociology and Anthropology depts, and one of the professors who talked afterwards was a hoot. She was trying to lighten the mood and get the other students to talk about the film. It didn't work, of course, since everyone just wanted to leave and get their cultural event credit, but I was totally paying attention. I went up to the professor after and asked her name. She is Dr. James of the Soc dept, and just happens to be who I'm going to have for Marriage and the Family during Maymester. I am officially excited for summer classes.
After that, I got dragged into attending a mini info session with Coach Peele, the head Basketball coach here. He brought pizza and shirts and talked about the season that starts on Saturday with Homecoming, He was a really nice man, and was fascinated when he learned I was from California. We talked back and forth about the Bay area for a couple minutes, and then he was amazed when he found out I went to Herndon High. He knows Coach Hall, and so we laughed at how small the world is.
And so now I sit in my room, procrastinating on my music theory homework. I look in the mirror and see a beautiful person, even after finding out that I've gained nearly 8 pounds in two weeks. I'm excited to become a better singer even as I can hardly speak better than a frog. I can't wait to have two junior level Sociology classes next semester. I'm afraid for my future. I have no idea how I'm going to have enough money to feed myself for the rest of the semester. I miss my homes in both California and Virginia. My body is turning on me. But I'm happy. I am. Somehow the uncertainty is just as comforting as it is unnerving?
So I sit here, looking at my words to no one and the world and my notebook creeps back into my peripheral. I'm reminded of my responsibilities and relationships and commitments. And I'm reminded of my solitary at the same time. And in this strange limbo of lives, I'm content.
...and a little dizzy. Maybe time to get some water and work done?
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Fear
So I was on StumbleUpon and found an article that piqued my interest and thoughts. The essay below is my reflection and stream of consciousness in regards to the article (linked below). The bit that really got me thinking was this:
"In an interview with NPR, Stevenson said that she thinks we need to reassess what success means, and look at the divorce rate not as a failure of marriage, but as 'a celebration of life.'
You know what I think of that? Bullshit. The Gores’ marriage failed. Stevenson is using the same reasoning Brad Pitt used in GQ to reframe his divorce from Jennifer Aniston as a 'beautiful' example of the 'messiness of life.' 'The idea that marriage has to be for all time,' he said, 'that I don’t understand.' In fact, that is the essence of marriage—a lifetime commitment. Without that, it’s just legally sanctioned dating" (Combe, 2010).
The past year and a half has been a rough one for me, relationship-wise. Of my four dating years, I've spent two and a half of them in serious relationships. But the past year a half I've been alone. It's been a long stretch of time. Some days I've found myself aching for that hole that was silently throbbing in my heart. But in this new place, I finally find myself happy for all the time alone. I've learned so much about myself- I've become happy with me and myself, alone. That happiness I wouldn't trade for anything. Plus being alone has given me the chance to do so many things; I've been free to live my life as I please with few outside pressures. But yet, this serenity in solitude isn't the end. I know I won't be alone forever.
In the joy and anticipation and hope that is my future love- whomever he may be, I fear. The hopeless romantic of my friends, I know I fall hard. And I hurt hard. Looking at my family and their past, I can't help but be afraid. When people compare their biggest fears in groups, there are many answers like death, heights; academic failure. For me, my biggest fear has always been divorce. It tore my family apart. Only in the past year have I had the absolute joy of rediscovering the beautiful people that my mother and my brother are. A decade and a half later, my family is finally beginning to slowly heal. But...the creeping pain of the divorce lingers.
I can still hear anger and bitterness in my parents. I wonder how long it will take them. I wonder about my wedding day- will it be joy for my family, or will there be tension? When I have my own children? But most of all, I fear what this means for my own marriage. Will I know what to do to make it work? Will my past prove me inadequate? Will my husband believe as deeply as I do that divorce isn't an option? Will I make the right choice? The uncertainty is both beautiful and sinister. In essence, I fear.
But I hope. Above all else, I find the joy. I hope and pray. I know one day God will lead me to the right person. This alone time- this time of worry and fear- is needed. I just have to trust and breathe. Fear is natural, normal. Strength, and courage- those are the things that really matter. One day I know they'll be put to the test for me. And I hope- I trust- to find myself in unity with someone else. For better or worse.
Combe, R. (2010, August 23). Til whatever do us part [Editorial]. Elle, pp 5-6. Retrieved from http://www.elle.com/Life-Love/Sex-Relationships/Till-Whatever-Do-Us-Part
(and yes, I felt the need to cite properly. That's how many papers I've been writing lately O.< )
"In an interview with NPR, Stevenson said that she thinks we need to reassess what success means, and look at the divorce rate not as a failure of marriage, but as 'a celebration of life.'
You know what I think of that? Bullshit. The Gores’ marriage failed. Stevenson is using the same reasoning Brad Pitt used in GQ to reframe his divorce from Jennifer Aniston as a 'beautiful' example of the 'messiness of life.' 'The idea that marriage has to be for all time,' he said, 'that I don’t understand.' In fact, that is the essence of marriage—a lifetime commitment. Without that, it’s just legally sanctioned dating" (Combe, 2010).
The past year and a half has been a rough one for me, relationship-wise. Of my four dating years, I've spent two and a half of them in serious relationships. But the past year a half I've been alone. It's been a long stretch of time. Some days I've found myself aching for that hole that was silently throbbing in my heart. But in this new place, I finally find myself happy for all the time alone. I've learned so much about myself- I've become happy with me and myself, alone. That happiness I wouldn't trade for anything. Plus being alone has given me the chance to do so many things; I've been free to live my life as I please with few outside pressures. But yet, this serenity in solitude isn't the end. I know I won't be alone forever.
In the joy and anticipation and hope that is my future love- whomever he may be, I fear. The hopeless romantic of my friends, I know I fall hard. And I hurt hard. Looking at my family and their past, I can't help but be afraid. When people compare their biggest fears in groups, there are many answers like death, heights; academic failure. For me, my biggest fear has always been divorce. It tore my family apart. Only in the past year have I had the absolute joy of rediscovering the beautiful people that my mother and my brother are. A decade and a half later, my family is finally beginning to slowly heal. But...the creeping pain of the divorce lingers.
I can still hear anger and bitterness in my parents. I wonder how long it will take them. I wonder about my wedding day- will it be joy for my family, or will there be tension? When I have my own children? But most of all, I fear what this means for my own marriage. Will I know what to do to make it work? Will my past prove me inadequate? Will my husband believe as deeply as I do that divorce isn't an option? Will I make the right choice? The uncertainty is both beautiful and sinister. In essence, I fear.
But I hope. Above all else, I find the joy. I hope and pray. I know one day God will lead me to the right person. This alone time- this time of worry and fear- is needed. I just have to trust and breathe. Fear is natural, normal. Strength, and courage- those are the things that really matter. One day I know they'll be put to the test for me. And I hope- I trust- to find myself in unity with someone else. For better or worse.
Combe, R. (2010, August 23). Til whatever do us part [Editorial]. Elle, pp 5-6. Retrieved from http://www.elle.com/Life-Love/Sex-Relationships/Till-Whatever-Do-Us-Part
(and yes, I felt the need to cite properly. That's how many papers I've been writing lately O.< )
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