Today I sit in my room, listening to the soft melodies of Taylor Swift and thinking about my day. It's been an odd one. Wednesdays are normally my favorite days of the week, but not being able to sing makes that a little difficult. Though it was highly entertaining in aural skills when i had to croak out that I couldn't sing. Even my professor had to stifle a laugh.
But that's not what's on my mind. My mind is on my strange contentedness. I spent an unexpected hour at a cultural event on campus about women in America's prisons. It was really dark and sad, but I really enjoyed it. With all of the time I spend in music, it's really refreshing to spend some time with a different mindset. The film was hosted by the Sociology and Anthropology depts, and one of the professors who talked afterwards was a hoot. She was trying to lighten the mood and get the other students to talk about the film. It didn't work, of course, since everyone just wanted to leave and get their cultural event credit, but I was totally paying attention. I went up to the professor after and asked her name. She is Dr. James of the Soc dept, and just happens to be who I'm going to have for Marriage and the Family during Maymester. I am officially excited for summer classes.
After that, I got dragged into attending a mini info session with Coach Peele, the head Basketball coach here. He brought pizza and shirts and talked about the season that starts on Saturday with Homecoming, He was a really nice man, and was fascinated when he learned I was from California. We talked back and forth about the Bay area for a couple minutes, and then he was amazed when he found out I went to Herndon High. He knows Coach Hall, and so we laughed at how small the world is.
And so now I sit in my room, procrastinating on my music theory homework. I look in the mirror and see a beautiful person, even after finding out that I've gained nearly 8 pounds in two weeks. I'm excited to become a better singer even as I can hardly speak better than a frog. I can't wait to have two junior level Sociology classes next semester. I'm afraid for my future. I have no idea how I'm going to have enough money to feed myself for the rest of the semester. I miss my homes in both California and Virginia. My body is turning on me. But I'm happy. I am. Somehow the uncertainty is just as comforting as it is unnerving?
So I sit here, looking at my words to no one and the world and my notebook creeps back into my peripheral. I'm reminded of my responsibilities and relationships and commitments. And I'm reminded of my solitary at the same time. And in this strange limbo of lives, I'm content.
...and a little dizzy. Maybe time to get some water and work done?
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Fear
So I was on StumbleUpon and found an article that piqued my interest and thoughts. The essay below is my reflection and stream of consciousness in regards to the article (linked below). The bit that really got me thinking was this:
"In an interview with NPR, Stevenson said that she thinks we need to reassess what success means, and look at the divorce rate not as a failure of marriage, but as 'a celebration of life.'
You know what I think of that? Bullshit. The Gores’ marriage failed. Stevenson is using the same reasoning Brad Pitt used in GQ to reframe his divorce from Jennifer Aniston as a 'beautiful' example of the 'messiness of life.' 'The idea that marriage has to be for all time,' he said, 'that I don’t understand.' In fact, that is the essence of marriage—a lifetime commitment. Without that, it’s just legally sanctioned dating" (Combe, 2010).
The past year and a half has been a rough one for me, relationship-wise. Of my four dating years, I've spent two and a half of them in serious relationships. But the past year a half I've been alone. It's been a long stretch of time. Some days I've found myself aching for that hole that was silently throbbing in my heart. But in this new place, I finally find myself happy for all the time alone. I've learned so much about myself- I've become happy with me and myself, alone. That happiness I wouldn't trade for anything. Plus being alone has given me the chance to do so many things; I've been free to live my life as I please with few outside pressures. But yet, this serenity in solitude isn't the end. I know I won't be alone forever.
In the joy and anticipation and hope that is my future love- whomever he may be, I fear. The hopeless romantic of my friends, I know I fall hard. And I hurt hard. Looking at my family and their past, I can't help but be afraid. When people compare their biggest fears in groups, there are many answers like death, heights; academic failure. For me, my biggest fear has always been divorce. It tore my family apart. Only in the past year have I had the absolute joy of rediscovering the beautiful people that my mother and my brother are. A decade and a half later, my family is finally beginning to slowly heal. But...the creeping pain of the divorce lingers.
I can still hear anger and bitterness in my parents. I wonder how long it will take them. I wonder about my wedding day- will it be joy for my family, or will there be tension? When I have my own children? But most of all, I fear what this means for my own marriage. Will I know what to do to make it work? Will my past prove me inadequate? Will my husband believe as deeply as I do that divorce isn't an option? Will I make the right choice? The uncertainty is both beautiful and sinister. In essence, I fear.
But I hope. Above all else, I find the joy. I hope and pray. I know one day God will lead me to the right person. This alone time- this time of worry and fear- is needed. I just have to trust and breathe. Fear is natural, normal. Strength, and courage- those are the things that really matter. One day I know they'll be put to the test for me. And I hope- I trust- to find myself in unity with someone else. For better or worse.
Combe, R. (2010, August 23). Til whatever do us part [Editorial]. Elle, pp 5-6. Retrieved from http://www.elle.com/Life-Love/Sex-Relationships/Till-Whatever-Do-Us-Part
(and yes, I felt the need to cite properly. That's how many papers I've been writing lately O.< )
"In an interview with NPR, Stevenson said that she thinks we need to reassess what success means, and look at the divorce rate not as a failure of marriage, but as 'a celebration of life.'
You know what I think of that? Bullshit. The Gores’ marriage failed. Stevenson is using the same reasoning Brad Pitt used in GQ to reframe his divorce from Jennifer Aniston as a 'beautiful' example of the 'messiness of life.' 'The idea that marriage has to be for all time,' he said, 'that I don’t understand.' In fact, that is the essence of marriage—a lifetime commitment. Without that, it’s just legally sanctioned dating" (Combe, 2010).
The past year and a half has been a rough one for me, relationship-wise. Of my four dating years, I've spent two and a half of them in serious relationships. But the past year a half I've been alone. It's been a long stretch of time. Some days I've found myself aching for that hole that was silently throbbing in my heart. But in this new place, I finally find myself happy for all the time alone. I've learned so much about myself- I've become happy with me and myself, alone. That happiness I wouldn't trade for anything. Plus being alone has given me the chance to do so many things; I've been free to live my life as I please with few outside pressures. But yet, this serenity in solitude isn't the end. I know I won't be alone forever.
In the joy and anticipation and hope that is my future love- whomever he may be, I fear. The hopeless romantic of my friends, I know I fall hard. And I hurt hard. Looking at my family and their past, I can't help but be afraid. When people compare their biggest fears in groups, there are many answers like death, heights; academic failure. For me, my biggest fear has always been divorce. It tore my family apart. Only in the past year have I had the absolute joy of rediscovering the beautiful people that my mother and my brother are. A decade and a half later, my family is finally beginning to slowly heal. But...the creeping pain of the divorce lingers.
I can still hear anger and bitterness in my parents. I wonder how long it will take them. I wonder about my wedding day- will it be joy for my family, or will there be tension? When I have my own children? But most of all, I fear what this means for my own marriage. Will I know what to do to make it work? Will my past prove me inadequate? Will my husband believe as deeply as I do that divorce isn't an option? Will I make the right choice? The uncertainty is both beautiful and sinister. In essence, I fear.
But I hope. Above all else, I find the joy. I hope and pray. I know one day God will lead me to the right person. This alone time- this time of worry and fear- is needed. I just have to trust and breathe. Fear is natural, normal. Strength, and courage- those are the things that really matter. One day I know they'll be put to the test for me. And I hope- I trust- to find myself in unity with someone else. For better or worse.
Combe, R. (2010, August 23). Til whatever do us part [Editorial]. Elle, pp 5-6. Retrieved from http://www.elle.com/Life-Love/Sex-Relationships/Till-Whatever-Do-Us-Part
(and yes, I felt the need to cite properly. That's how many papers I've been writing lately O.< )
Saturday, December 12, 2009
The Christmas Party
Sitting in the crowd
With both young and old around
I reflect on the life
I live.
Couples chat and murmur
And parents laugh and sigh
As kids run and tire
And frienship lights the night.
Each interaction is animated,
Each person unique and kind.
It's in these small settings
That I find my own peace,
Intimate settings
With drinks and food and treats:
fellowship at it's best.
I am reminded of my youth,
Yet of my blooming age.
I embrace my body
And the beauty of it's state.
I smile at the laughter
And I sigh contented at the love;
I remember to remember
This is what life is made of.
Smiles,
Fellowship,
Food,
And love.
My Methodist heart giggles,
And I take a moment to wiggle
Back into the engulfing comfy chair
To continue my watch
Of the room around me.
With both young and old around
I reflect on the life
I live.
Couples chat and murmur
And parents laugh and sigh
As kids run and tire
And frienship lights the night.
Each interaction is animated,
Each person unique and kind.
It's in these small settings
That I find my own peace,
Intimate settings
With drinks and food and treats:
fellowship at it's best.
I am reminded of my youth,
Yet of my blooming age.
I embrace my body
And the beauty of it's state.
I smile at the laughter
And I sigh contented at the love;
I remember to remember
This is what life is made of.
Smiles,
Fellowship,
Food,
And love.
My Methodist heart giggles,
And I take a moment to wiggle
Back into the engulfing comfy chair
To continue my watch
Of the room around me.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Persevere
Limitations:
imitations
of strength and
courage.
Love:
a glove to hide
behind when
jealousy
wants to rip you
out of your mind.
Music:
another language
used to express emotions
which aren't
allowed to be shared
otherwise.
Poise:
a fluid display
of grace
in face
of adversity
and heartache.
Poetry.
Letters.
Music.
Dance.
create
translate
fabricate
at any rate:
perservere.
Copyright 2009, Colleen Sarah Rice
imitations
of strength and
courage.
Love:
a glove to hide
behind when
jealousy
wants to rip you
out of your mind.
Music:
another language
used to express emotions
which aren't
allowed to be shared
otherwise.
Poise:
a fluid display
of grace
in face
of adversity
and heartache.
Poetry.
Letters.
Music.
Dance.
create
translate
fabricate
at any rate:
perservere.
Copyright 2009, Colleen Sarah Rice
Monday, December 7, 2009
A Returning
One person can seem the world,
but when the world turns away
and the sky deep grey,
the sun and all it's stars
are waiting to greet you
with open arms;
their light will always be there.
Copyright 2009, Colleen Sarah Rice
but when the world turns away
and the sky deep grey,
the sun and all it's stars
are waiting to greet you
with open arms;
their light will always be there.
Copyright 2009, Colleen Sarah Rice
Gold Rush
Hello again, Bay:
Forced home of mine.
I didn't choose you-
you dragged me back
in a way cruel and unkind.
Hello again, California:
Home of the gold rush
that's been running for near
two hundred a year-
it still hasn't stopped.
With your fast pace
and beautiful face,
you put on quite the façade.
But I'm not fooled-
you're but a mine to me.
You tempt with opportunity
and fame and fortune.
You tempt with style
and security.
You lie.
I came for an education
and I'm watching that chance
being pulled under my feet.
Hello again, California.
To me, you are weak.
I know of a life of air
and trees and music.
I know of a place of joy
and pace and stars.
There, is my home.
It calls me daily,
caressing my heart and dream.
The Carolinas pull me in
as your bright polluting lights
push me out.
Enjoy your new crop,
your stock of hopefuls.
But as for me and my life,
I need to leave
the West Coast.
Copyright 2009, Colleen Sarah Rice
Forced home of mine.
I didn't choose you-
you dragged me back
in a way cruel and unkind.
Hello again, California:
Home of the gold rush
that's been running for near
two hundred a year-
it still hasn't stopped.
With your fast pace
and beautiful face,
you put on quite the façade.
But I'm not fooled-
you're but a mine to me.
You tempt with opportunity
and fame and fortune.
You tempt with style
and security.
You lie.
I came for an education
and I'm watching that chance
being pulled under my feet.
Hello again, California.
To me, you are weak.
I know of a life of air
and trees and music.
I know of a place of joy
and pace and stars.
There, is my home.
It calls me daily,
caressing my heart and dream.
The Carolinas pull me in
as your bright polluting lights
push me out.
Enjoy your new crop,
your stock of hopefuls.
But as for me and my life,
I need to leave
the West Coast.
Copyright 2009, Colleen Sarah Rice
Let Go
The world is a beautiful place
if only you would open
your eyes to see.
Sunsets and rises;
soft lights
made to hypnotize.
Life in in abundance
streaming and brimming
in every corner round.
They could be standing there,
waiting to be found.
Or maybe it's you
in need of the finding,
a dream or a hope
or something else hiding.
You see his eyes
and her sweet smile
and though inviting,
you turn away in memory.
I beg you to turn back around
and let yourself see more
than the ground.
See the sky
in their eye
and let go.
Copyright 2009, Colleen Sarah Rice
if only you would open
your eyes to see.
Sunsets and rises;
soft lights
made to hypnotize.
Life in in abundance
streaming and brimming
in every corner round.
They could be standing there,
waiting to be found.
Or maybe it's you
in need of the finding,
a dream or a hope
or something else hiding.
You see his eyes
and her sweet smile
and though inviting,
you turn away in memory.
I beg you to turn back around
and let yourself see more
than the ground.
See the sky
in their eye
and let go.
Copyright 2009, Colleen Sarah Rice
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